ohgeez_heather

I am never content. Not here. Not anywhere.
I want to see someplace new now. More than one semester feels like a chore. I don't know if college is my thing or not...

I wish it were Halloween EVERY weekend. :) This weekend was seriously the most fun, ever!

Every time I leave the Adirondacks, I get really sad. I hate leaving there and coming back to Syracuse. Seriously, it was like the second we reentered city limits this grey cloud descended over everything, because that's how it always is here. It was sunny and beautiful the whole time I was in the mountains, though. Of course. I can't wait to go back next weekend for Fall Trails Day! It's going to be freezing though, I'll actually be camping outside next weekend unlike the last two times I was up there. Haha I hope it snows! :)
 I wish I knew how I could reconcile how much I'd love to live up there in the future with how much I'd love to live in the heart of Buffalo. Summer cabin? I hope so...

How the fuck is Obama justifying not putting those CIA assholes in jail? I read the memos on interrogation techniques and I've never been so disgusted in my life. I'm ashamed to call myself an American. It's disgusting the way we've been treating those people. I know, I know, they're potential terrorists-but violence only leads to more violence. Torture is unacceptable in all circumstances. I can't believe he's letting this slide.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.
I don't want to go to college, I'd much rather go find myself a nice cabin in the woods and wait this out.
I'm visiting esf on saturday for the millionth time, maybe i'll fall back in love with it and go there. I wouldn't be upset if I ended up there. I'm just sick of having to worry about this huge decision I make; I feel like it will be wrong no matter what I do. It's too much money to be wrong.

My birthday happened and I'm 18 now! Oddly enough, I actually DO feel older. I don't ever feel older on birthdays. It must be because legally I matter now. Ha

I bought a book by Dostoevsky today and I'm excited to read it, I've never read anything by him before but every author I love is always raving about him so I thought I'd give it a try haha.

So, after an agonizing couple of days since I got notified that I didn't get the scholarship to Potsdam I'd worked so hard for, I think maybe I know what I want to do next year. It really wouldn't be right to go to either Potsdam or ESF since I'm not crazy about either. Like, whatever, I like both of them, but shouldn't I LOVE one of them if I'm going there full time, living there, etc.? I limited myself and didn't apply to enough schools and now its screwing me over. Besides, there's no money to send me to college and if I'm going to be living on borrowed money I'd really like to be getting the most fulfilling education I can get. However, I talked to my sister today and have a new plan.

I am going to move in with Sara in Rochester next year, and go to Monroe Community College. Then I can have way more time to just think about places I want to go, find ways to get money to go to those places, and transfer in a year or two. Honestly, I'm getting really excited for this since I tentatively decided this is what I want to do. I'm going to get to live with my sister, explore a whole new city, live close enough that I can come back to Buffalo any time I want, still get an education, everything. I'll be out the house but still saving money, just like if I commuted to ECC from home. It's actually kind of perfect. I want to get super involved in Rochester too, find lots of environmental or social activist groups that I can join and just get some first hand experience with the stuff I've been wanting to do all along. Sara's going to be going to MCC too, so maybe we'll have some of the same classes. Weird, but it'd still be cool haha. I'm lucky, I haven't missed the deadlines for scholarship applications there. I'm hoping I can get a ton of money to go there, that'd be awesome.

I think the best part of all of this will be making everyone at graduation super uncomfortable, when Mr. Gallagher is announcing each of the top ten's future plans, and he gets to me and announces that I'll be attending community college...is that bad? That I'm going to get a huge kick out of that? Hahaha whatever. I'm being financially responsible. So fuck it!

Now the hard part-telling my parents. This can't possibly go over well with them...

oh
my
god
i can't take this

I should have known

The thing I hate about working out is when you can feel all those eyes around you conspicuously checking out the machine you're on...how fast you're going, what level, for how long you've been going...i might just be self-conscious about that because i'm constantly inadvertantly glancing at everyone else's machines as well. Ha!

Regardless, I'm enjoying my vague attempt to get into better shape. It's kind of fun. I just wish my work schedule was a little different so I could go more than twice a week. Whatever, I figure it's better than doing nothing at all!

I miss Peace Club. Like, the Peace Club of my freshman year.

I read Blue Like Jazz and really, really liked it. It's currently tied as my favorite book with The Dharma Bums. It's that good. The most bizarre part is that it's about religion, but I still enjoyed it...imagine that, right? The author seems like a really cool guy. I want to meet him haha. He's really seen the world, or America at the very least. I want to take a roadtrip to Portland and knock on his door. Maybe he'd let me in.

Younglife. Younglife. Omg. Younglife. Young. Life. Younglife!

To be completely and totally honest, you all just creep me out.

Right, so, I guess that the completely logical thing to do when you break up with my brother is pretend like you never knew me, too. Because it's not like you've been a member of this family for the last 5 years or anything. I mean really, it's not like I considered you my third sister. At all. It's so funny, this whole month I've been calling you and calling you and unable to figure out why you weren't returning my calls. Welp, I just found out today what the probable cause of that is. Way to fill me in. It's the least you could have done, and then you could have proceeded to never speak to me again, if that's really how you want things. At least then I'd be informed as to the matter at hand. Heaven forbid we tell Heather anything.

This is easy...without a doubt, I'd pick Freaks and Geeks. That show's life got cut way too short, and it was an amazing show. It had so much talent, too...the characters that were in it have pretty much all gone on to do other tv shows or movies. Besides that, though, it's my favorite tv show. I've seen every episode dozens of times, and I think it's hysterical how alike the main character is to me. I'm still a little bitter that it only ran for one season. :[ People don't understand until they watch it, but I feel like there's probably nobody who's seen the show and didn't love it. It's that good haha.